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12 29th, 2006| 
A guide for the experienced (or even inexperienced) roleplayer to enjoy the latest evolution in the Dungeons and Dragons experience.
Step 1: Buy the new books. Sure, you probably have all the old books, but these are distinctly newer. They are also a bit more expensive than the old books, but that was 2003, and this is 2008. Time to get with the program.
You’ll need three books to play. Thats the Player’s Handbook, the Dungeon Master’s Guide, and the Monster Manual. This is the basic set, available for $35 each, or $105 total. This is all that you will need to play the game!
Step 2: Convert your old characters. There is a helpful guide here. As you can see, pretty much none of your old character concepts will convert directly to the new edition. Thats OK, it’s newer! Remake your character basically from scratch.
Wizards? You had too much variety of spell selection. This problem has been fixed in the new edition. Also, no illusions for you.
Clerics? You guys were assholes in 3rd Edition. You were pissing off the other players. Seriously. Ask them! We’ve nerfed you for their benefit.
We’ve also helpfully pigeonholed everyone into a party role. Remember those online games? They sure seem popular. Therefore, we’ve made the character classes based on being tanks, or DoT, or nukers. Of course, if we called them that, it would be too obvious where we got the idea, so we’ll call them defenders and strikers and, well, strikers again.
Step 3: Oops, the Player’s Handbook doesn’t have Barbarians or Druids. You can use the helpful conversion document provided earlier to fake it by adding house rules. Yes, the game is less than two weeks old, and we’re suggesting that you use house rules. It’s OK, it’s Newer! But in a few months, or a year at most, we’ll be providing the Player’s Handbook II. All of the stuff we left out of the first Player’s Handbook will be in here. So that’s really only four books you need, for a mere $140. This will be all you need to play the game!
Actually, we aren’t going to tell you what is going to be in the Player’s Handbook II. We’re going to play games with you. You guys like games, right? Instead of real information, we’re just going to treat you like 6-year-olds, and give you the first letter of each class that will be in the book. You don’t mind being talked down to, right?
Step 4: Oh, also, we didn’t put Bards in the Player’s Handbook, or Player’s Handbook II. Bards will be available on D&D Insider. What is D&D Insider? Well, it’s only the best thing since the Internets. For a small monthly fee, we’ll be providing even more content that we left out of the Player’s Handbook(s), and presumably the Dungeon Master’s Guide, and Monster Manual. Plus, since it’s a small monthly fee, you can’t even calculate it into the up front costs! So you’re still only at $140… plus $15 a month for however long it takes you to get Bards, or anything else we can string you along with. This will be all you need to play the game!
Step 5: Forgotten Realms! The name has never been more appropriate. Forget about the Realms you knew. We’re rebuilding it from scratch! The world has ended and been reborn. All of the iconic characters you remember, like Elminster, Storm Silverhand, Drizzt? Cities you grew up with, like Waterdeep, Shadowdale, Neverwinter, Baldur’s Gate? Gone! It’s NEWER! Of course, this means all of the source material you’ve built up since the Realms were first presented is now completely useless! This is a feature, we promise. We’re not sure why, just at the moment, but I’m sure after you buy at least three new campaign setting sourcebooks, you’ll see how much better things are. Plus, now you’ve only spent $245! You’re getting off cheap, you little bastards. Oh, and don’t forget to subscribe to D&D Insider! It will have all of the stuff we leave out of the campaign settings, too!
Step 6: D&D Insider is the core of our new business plan… to provide you with all of the material you will need (except, maybe, for several books) to play the game, all for a low monthly fee. This is better than a physical book, because once you stop paying, you no longer have access to any material, even stuff that came out while you were paying! Books are permanent, which is bad. For us.
Also, as the core of our new purchasing model, many of our sourcebooks refer you to the new online system. Log in and see for yourself!
Wait, you’re confused? Why? The address given in the printed book helpfully redirects you to the Wizards of the Coast Dungeons and Dragons main page, without any explanation whatsoever! That’s what we in the business call “excellent customer service”. If you dig hard enough, we’ll admit that our flagship product isn’t ready like it was supposed to be. Otherwise, we’ll just leave you guessing. Did I type the name wrong? Did I read something wrong? Am I taking crazy pills? It’s all part of the fun!
Don’t worry, our online system is only several months away from being complete. But we promise, you’ll be begging to pay us for the content once we actually start working on it.
Want all of the news about D&D Insider? Great, we’ll tell you all about it… once you sign up. Don’t want to give information in order to just read about the service? Too bad.
Step 7: We have forums for your opinions. Just try to mention how 4th Edition has left things out, or that the new system is just a MMORPG rip-off. We won’t have it! You’re just a hater. You just don’t like new things. You probably complained about 3rd Edition, too. Therefore, none of your arguments are valid! It’s just that easy!
Step 8: Congratulations! You’re playing a pen-and-paper version of World of Warcraft! Which, incidentally, already exists. But ignore that, or the fact that you’ve forked over a quarter grand of cash in addition to paying a monthly fee. IT’S NEWER!
Bonus Alternate Step 1 (Version 1): Keep playing with your 3/3.5 Edition books. Simple, free (considering you already have those books), all base classes are available, prestige classes are available, and you’re not playing WoW! Wow! Skip remaining steps.
Bonus Alternate Step 7: Come to grips with the fact that the forums, while occasionally providing insightful commentary from rational users, are mostly populated with foaming lunatics with poor grammar and a chip on their shoulder. Any discussion of the evidence that 4th Edition is a money grubbing WoW rip-off will be met with eighteen thousand rationalizations of why the new version is better and you are an idiot for not seeing that. This will only increase the poster’s already overblown sense of importance. Realize nothing you say will change anyone’s mind. You are better off just avoiding posting your opinion, or better yet, avoiding the boards altogether.
Bonus Alternate Step 1 (Version 2): For the same amount of money, buy a set of books that will not require a monthly payment, and can be used for not only fantasy gaming, but sci-fi, historical, space opera, modern day, anime, or any other genre your black little heart desires. Skip remaining steps, and instead of simulating a MMORPG, actually get out there and roleplay!